You reap what you sow. What you do comes back to you. Date like a jerk and you’ll be stuck dating jerks. It’s called dating karma.
There was a time a few years back when I worried that I might have used up my nice guy quota back in college when I was still torturing boyfriends for sport. I’ll admit it, I was practically evil. Some part of me just assumed that no matter how petulant, bitchy or just plain mean I was to the boys who adored me, the sweetest guys on the planet would continue to be delivered to my doorstep like some boyfriend-of-the-month club.
Boy, was I wrong.
Fortunately, after a few rounds of “what goes around, comes around” smacking me in the head, I learned my lesson. Dating Karma, delivered fresh daily via James the Cheater. Michael the Insanely Jealous. Mark the Momma’s Boy.
After being jerked around a bit myself, I saw the error of my ways, and reformed. I was a lot nicer to all the men who crossed my path, whether I saw them as long-term possibilities or just a lovely vacation diversion. And soon, I was attracting nice guys again. Did the Universe grant me just one more chance? Or had being a kinder, gentler dater altered my Dating Karma for the better?
What is karma?
Nicole Beland, author of Girl Seeks Bliss: Zen and the Art of Modern Life Maintenance (Plume, 2005) describes karma as, “The law of cause and effect that dictates that wise, skillful behavior leads to happiness, and ignorant, unskillful behavior leads to suffering. An individual’s ‘karma’ is the present culmination of all the wise and unwise things they’ve done in the past.”
Which means that the one time you made out with your roommate’s crush while he was out of town could be at least partially responsible for your current inability to find a date who doesn’t torment you.
If you were a bad girl or bad boy in the past is it possible to get your good Dating Karma back? Or are you doomed to suffer impossible relationships for eternity, paying penance for every romantic misdeed?
“Hell, no! You just keep cranking it out, good or bad, and you ALWAYS have the power to change your attitude, your approach and your actions,” says “Mind Masseuse” Maya Talisman Frost. Frost, a mindfulness trainer who has taught thousands to get calm, clear and creative says, “If you used to be a major manipulator and now see the errors in your past, rejoice! You’re learning.”
Tim Ward, author of What the Buddha Never Taught says, “There are no quotas when it comes to karma. You get back exactly what you give. So if you tortured a past lover, you inherit the karmic consequences of that act. The good news: kindness, consideration and generosity, generate good karma. You can start compiling good karma right now, and it will counteract any previous nastiness.”
Out with the old, in with the new.
The first step in karmic repair is in figuring out why you’re being rotten in the first place.
Frost says, “Pay attention to your tendency to respond in any particular way.” Are you jealous? Manipulative? Using sex to gain control? Pushing people away?
Frost explains, “The big red flag to watch for are responses based on fear of rejection. We do some crazy things when we get scared. Get to know your own quirky way of reacting when you’re worried he doesn’t want you or that she is into someone else. See it, know it, and then do a complete about-face and focus on the things you do that make you feel fantastic about yourself.
“Wallowing in fear begets more fear and more wallowing. The solution is to tap into your own awareness and use your fear as a trigger for some serious self-appreciation.”
Start with inner happiness.
Ward says, “One of the core teachings of Buddhism is impermanence: not clinging to possessions or to relationships. So if you love someone, rejoice in the moment. But don’t delude yourself with expectations of happily ever after. And don’t expect that the other person will produce happiness. It’s when you view the other as an object that provides you with happiness that you fall into delusion. When he or she goes — or changes — this produces suffering.”
I’m a firm believer that we attract the kind of people we are. I think when we’re happy and comfortable with ourselves, we attract more happiness. And when we’re miserable or selfish or cruel, we attract more of the same.
And all the negative energy you spend hating your ex, plotting revenge or just bitching about the opposite sex is like a big magnet for misery. The faster you let it all go, the more goodness you’ll attract.
The bottom line to improve your Dating Karma? Enjoy the moment and be nice. And if you happen to be a nice person in a dating slump of not-so-nice people, hang in there. Your nice guy or girl should be coming around soon.
Frost says, “Good karma moves us along toward more good karma. Keep stirring it up.”
By Lisa Daily