8 Ways to Make Them Dump You
Or maybe your newest fling has simply come along at the wrong time and, in the words of Neo in the Matrix, you need an exit. Read onwards if you’ve got a hankering to get out of a relationship but don’t have the heart to break theirs.
Bad Bed Behavior
For guys, practice peaking early and then cut the sassy session short before she has a chance to match your climax. No one likes a needy, greedy lover. For a quicker drop, add hurt to injury by getting up from bed before she finds her cuddly spot in the crook of your arm.
For cowgirls lookin’ to get ditched, resist the urge to let your O go while romping, and instead subtly suggest that his lean one-eyed trouser snake go back in its lair for good.
All Systems Let Go
Nothing says “dump me” like a lover who totally loses interest in the upkeep of their once-hottie appearances. For girls, put away that razor and rub a little Miracle Grow on your ‘pits, legs, eyebrows and private parts while trading in your Sevens for your comfy high school stretch pants.
Guys can turn off their doting dearies by simply abandoning their shower ritual, especially following those stinky workouts while wearing shorts made of unbreatheable fabric. From sexy to sloppy, classy to skuzzy: letting yourself go is a real turn-off.
Guys don’t want their pals to think their new flame is overly promiscuous, so heavy flirting with his posse and making lots of sexual references is one way to get your guy’s goat and speed up the dumping tempo.
And because girls are super competitive at the best of times, flirting works the other way, too: boys need only comment on the attractive physical features of one of her friends to get the abandonment ball rolling.
Better yet, next time you’re in bed, suggest a threesome with her best friend and count the hours before you and your grateful ass are hitting the pavement on the way to singledom.
Hint and Miss
All happy partnerships involve a little bit of mystery. But too much of a good thing can turn this love fest into happy trails for you. Become increasingly vague about your activities and the people you hang out with when your partner’s not around (“I’m going downtown with an old friend from school. Don’t wait up!”)
This will give rise to insecurities and maybe even doubts about your fidelity, a surefire way to get your ass kicked curbside.
Cut the Chase
On the opposite end of spectrum is the doting approach. Gush over her every word, laugh a bit psychotically at each and every one of his stupid jokes and painful puns, or give the impression that you drop everything the minute they beckon. Every relationship needs a little bit of chase from both sides.
Without it, doubts creep up and you end up wondering, “Why the heck are they so into me? There must be something wrong with them….”
Family Breeds Contempt
Unless you live like the Ingles family on Little House on the Prairie, it’s unlikely you want to spend all your free time at events with your dude or dudette’s prissy parents and outrageous siblings. So start inviting your craziest relatives along with you when you hit the town with your partner.
They’ll get sick of you by proxy alone, saving you from having to say sayonara yourself.
A Run from Your Money
The riches-to-rags approach works well with those who have little cashola themselves. Drop the B word into conversation while sharing fries and a junior burger and wonder aloud how many years bankruptcy stays on your record.
Other tactics include frequently forgetting your wallet at home, talking of credit companies calling, and asking if five per cent is acceptable for receiving awesome service at your fave restaurant or local watering hole.
Ex Marks the Spot
Rekindle a friendship with your longtime ex-lover and invite them to drop by your house to talk about the good ol’ days.
Make frequent positive references about the ex while in conversation with other friends while your lover is listening (“I’ve been in touch with cute little Christina recently, and she’s looking great and doing really well with her cupcake catering business.”)
Hang a photograph of the turtle you once owned together on the fridge and prepare to say goodbye to the current flame.